Hi, my name’s Mitt. Do you travel to Cleveland often? No? Well I do…ha, ha, ha. It’s part of my job these days, although technically – ha, ha - I’m unemployed. Are you employed? In the private sector? Oh, marvelous. I know lots of people in the private sector. Well, I’m running for President of the United States. Nothing like the private sector – doesn’t pay well and people ask you a lot of questions. I hate questions. I hate answers too, you can get into trouble with the wrong answer…….. so I try to come up with answers that people will like. Doesn’t always work, though. There are always some people that don’t like my answer, no matter what it is. So it’s best not to answer any questions at all, that’s what I’ve found.
I really love Ohio, it’s one of my favorite states. Trees are really great in Ohio. And cars! I love American cars! There are lots of really nice American cars in Ohio. And people here are so friendly…unless they belong to one of those unions. I hate unions. Unions really screw up the private sector, pardon my French…ha, ha. Oh, I do hope I get to be President, because then I’ll make those union members want to self-deport.
We really live in an amazing world. Things have just gotten so amazing, it’s amazing…and marvelous. I went to a place called Wawas today, you ever been there? … it’s really amazing. Like if you want a sandwich, you press a little touchtone keypad, you touch this, touch this, go pay the cashier, there’s your sandwich. It’s amazing -- people in the private sector learn how to compete. It’s time to bring some competition to the federal government and to get it smaller and get it to respond to the customers -- which are you. Yes, you are the federal government’s customers. Did you know that? You know what I think? I’d like to fire everyone in the federal government - I like being able to fire people who provide services to me – and replace them all with little touchtone keypads that everyone would carry around, so that you, the customer, could order up your sandwiches, or your highways, or your healthcare just by touching this or touching that. That would be marvelous, don’t you think?
You know, I like to pull a little prank from time to time. Humor can be very refreshing after a long day of campaigning. Watch this! Oh, flight attendant person – it seems my seat-mate here has smoke coming out of his pants! He might be another one of those underwear bombers. ….
Ha, ha, ha, ha... Did you see her face when I said that? Sorry that they over-reacted a bit – I didn’t really think they’d tie your hands up like that. My staff people will explain it all to security after we make that emergency landing in Akron, so don’t worry about a thing. Well, it was really nice talking with someone like you who’s employed in the private sector. You’re just the right height, too.