The Elephant's Graveyard

I’ll be taking a break for a couple of weeks, but while I’m gone, here are some of Doggerelo’s greatest hits, in case you missed them first time around. 

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2011

They lumber off without a word

They’ve been rejected by the herd.

Though once they held the reins of power

Now is not their hour.

They were the voice of moderation,

They served both party and the nation.

But now the party's rearranged -

Everything has changed

Today the party speaks as one;

They trumpet loud in unison.

The moderates are all despised,

Group-think now is prized.

The moderates have gone away.

Where they've gone no one can say.

The herd is happy if they split,

They don't give a shit. 

So they wander off alone to die

Beneath an unforgiving sky.

Their hopes for a more genial land

Buried in the sand. 

Romney's Soliloquy

I’ll be taking a break for a couple of weeks, but while I’m gone, here are some of Doggerelo’s greatest hits, in case you missed them first time around. 

Monday, December 05, 2011

To flip or not to flip – that is the question.

Whether ‘tis nobler to maintain conviction

Or take polls amidst a sea of voters

And by flipping, send a message that

I’m on their side. Thus pollsters do make

Cowards of us all. And thus the native

Hue of resolution is sicklied o’er

With blind amibition’s yellow cast and fear

Doth make us but whinging, bloodless things.   

For what would it profit a man if, by ever holding

To conviction’s  core, it bringeth only slings

And arrows of outraged pundits, opprobrium

Of voters and contumely from the rich,
Who'd send their money elsewhere?  'Tis not a path

For one who wants to win. Ah, sweet victory!

Perchance a dream, but of such dreams are noble

Actions made that change the world. The need

Is great and I am ready. The nation hath borne

Too long the foul Obama’s brazen wrongs

And insolence of office. For he would

Of our fair land a Europe make and spurn

The patient merit of our enterprise

To grant boons undue to those who lose

The economic race. O voters wise

And true, what doth it matter what I really

Think if by supporting me we grasp the chance

To free us all from socialism’s threat?

There is no other one that can this task

Accomplish.   Newt Gingrich wouldst make me laugh,

Were not his spectral rise so maddening - 

And they calleth me a flip-flopper!  He hath

On every issue set his standard square

On every side and hath received for this

No single punishment.  His tongue hath not

The discipline to keep a message straight -

He giveth cause to fear his unhinged words

Would turn away those independent minds

Who are the key to our success.  But soft –

The press doth now approach with pointed questions

And from this place I must myself away

To photo ops where I control the day. 

Newt Reflects on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals

I’ll be taking a break for a couple of weeks, but while I’m gone, here are some of Doggerelo’s greatest hits, in case you missed them first time around. 

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2011

G.O.P. Candidate Newt Gingrich has called for the abolition of the Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit, which hears cases from nine western states, calling it "consistently radical". 

Methinks this court doth far too leftish act.

It press upon the nation rulings foul

And pustulant, which forward secret plans

To steal the wealth from those who worketh hard

And handeth it to those who worketh not.

O, Robin Hood! O Marx and Engels! Thy shades

Doth sit at bench on this unruly court!

But I, if chosen to be President,

Will send this court to just oblivion.

My plan is but a simple one yet artful –

Withhold the funds that nourish this rogue court

And by doing so abolish it forever.

We needeth it not – the western cases may

Be heard by courts that rule by strict construction,

A form of law that ever pleaseth me.

Thus will I ensure the courts retain

Obeisance to the rule of law again.

The kinds of judges my support would'st be with

Are those who issue rulings I agree with.

Bishop Finn

I’ll be taking a break for a couple of weeks, but while I’m gone, here are some of Doggerelo’s greatest hits, in case you missed them first time around.

October 19, 2011

On October 14, the New York Times reported that Bishop Robert Finn of Kansas City was indicted for failing to report an instance of child abuse by one of the priests in his diocese.  It is the first time an American Catholic church leader was held criminally liable for the behavior of a priest under his supervision.  

Forgive me, dear Bishop Finn.

I’ve committed a horrible sin.

I took some snap shots

Of a little girl’s crotch.

What terrible trouble I’m in!

Good gracious my dear Father Ratigan

We’ll have to inform the Vatican.

But the cops we’ll forgo

They just needn’t know,

If you’ll  promise not to do that again.

Bishop Finn, you failed to report

A crime of the most heinous sort

There’s lots of excitement

About your indictment.

It’s the first of its kind in this court.

The Tampa Test

They start their convention today*

The Republicans in old Tampa Bay.

They’ll nominate Romney to be

Their choice for the Presidency,

And as for Mitt’s running mate

They’ll say Paul Ryan is great.

There’ll be lots and lots of speeches

Down by the Florida beaches,

And to give the folks there a treat

They’ll throw them lots of red meat.

Obama and Biden they’ll boo

And pray that next year they’ll be through.

Chris Christie gives the keynote address -

It’s sure to be a success -

He’s big in more ways than one

In 2016 he might run

If Romney should lose in this race

Ol’ Chris might be taking his place.

Sarah Palin won’t be there to speak

She’s probably well past her peak.

The Donald has said he’d be there

To give everybody a scare.

The big night belongs to Mitt

His speech is a chance to transmit

His plans and personal charm -

His doubters he’ll try to disarm.

We’ll see if he’s able rise to

The occasion, but when he tries to

He usually falls flat on his face:

In this case, he must show some grace.

                   ***

The convention will surely be fun

It’s the GOP’s day in the sun.

But I will be taking a break

A vacation I’ve got to take.

The timing I know’s pretty bad

But stay tuned, don’t go away mad

‘Cause while I’m away

This blog will replay

The best poems that we’ve ever had.

 ________________________________

* The start of the convention has been delayed by a day due to proximity of tropical storm Isaac.

The Republican Alphabet

A is for Akin:

He says you’ll escape

Pregnancy if it's

A legitimate rape.

B is for Boehner

He’s the House Speaker

But to Tea Party types

He couldn’t be meeker.

C is for Cantor

He never relaxes

When it comes to our spending

Or raising our taxes

D’s for Demint

He’s a Tea Party guy

He’s as right as they come

He’s their natural ally.

E is for Ensign

He was well equipped

For a leadership slot

But his fly ‘came unzipped.

F is for Fox

The news for the right

If there’s any truth there

It’s kept out of sight.

G is for Graham

Now Lindsay’s a gent

He speaks with an elegant

Southern accent.

H is for Hatch,

Ted Kennedy’s friend,

But this year his job

Has come to an end.

I is for Inhofe

He denies global warming

But rising sea levels

Should give him some warning.

 J is for John

McCain, that would be -

He ran once for Pres

With a knock-out VP.

K is for Kyl.

Jon’s quitting this year -

He’s had quite enough

Of the political sphere.

L is for Lieberman

Joe might as well be

Honor’y member

Of our own GOP.

M’s for McConnell,

From the land of crape myrtle,

He looks kinda funny

Like Yertle the Turtle.

N is for No!

That’s the House creed

For anything that would let

Obama succeed.

O’s for Obama

He’s our country’s tsar

He’s Muslim and socialist

He’s our bête noir.

P’s for Reince Priebus

Of the NRC

He’s not as much fun

As Mike Steele used to be.

Q is for queer

Never let it be said

That gays should be equal:

Gay marriage is dead

R is for Romney

He bears our standard

There’s nary a group

That he hasn’t pandered.

S is for Snowe

She’s decided to quit

‘Cause bipartisan ways

No one will permit.

T is for taxes

There never will be

An increase in taxes

With our GOP!

U is for useless

That’s what it would be

To expect compromise

From today’s GOP.

V is for victory

A win in the fall

Will get rid of Obama

And also Ron Paul.

W is for West -

Allen’s really quite raucous

He thinks there are Commies

In the Progressive Caucus.

X is for Xmas

As they say on TV.

We’ll put Jesus back

Right where he should be.

Y is for Yoder

It’s in a news clipping:

In the Galilee Sea

He went skinny dipping

Z is for zeitgeist

The soul of our age

There’s only one word for it

And that word is rage.

Republican Law and Order in New Hampshire

A Republican candidate for Sheriff (of all things) in New Hampshire reserved his right to use deadly force, if necessary, to stop abortions.  When it was pointed out that abortions are in fact legal (at least for now), he said “There’s a difference between legal and lawful” and pointed to slavery as an activity that was legal at one time in our history but was unlawful under our Constitution. 

Abortion is legal, it’s true

But it’s also unlawful to do.

What’s “lawful” the sheriff will decide

And he thinks it’s infanticide.

To be sure that the sheriff succeeds

He’ll do whatever he needs.

Here’s a warning to the accused:

Deadly force might have to be used!

Civil War in Lubbuck?

The first paragraph of this post from ThinkProgress, about Judge Tom Head of Lubbock, TX, deserves to be quoted in full:

Earlier today, ThinkProgress reported that Texas Judge Tom Head told a local television station that President Obama would turn over American “sovereignty” to the United Nations if reelected, that Obama’s actions would potentially trigger “civil unrest, civil disobedience, civil war,” and that such a conflict would culminate with “UN troops” led by President Obama invading Lubbock, Texas. We swear we are not making this up. There is video.

There’s a judge in Texas that said

Obama will be at the head

Of a UN invasion force -

Invading Lubbock, of course.

If Obama wins in the fall,

A civil war will befall

The nation and we’ll have to fight

The UN and Obama’s blight.

I think that we’ve heard enough.

How can people believe this stuff?

Science, Schmience...

Unbelievable!  Todd Akin was selected to serve on the House Science and Technology Committee.  This is the guy who is so famously ignorant of basic reproductive physiology that he thinks a  woman who is “legitimately” raped will be unlikely to become pregnant because “…the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”  His views are climate science are no more sophisticated, since he seems to understand climate change in terms of seasonal weather changes.  This is a bit like assigning Sarah Palin to the Foreign Relations Committee. 

Todd Akin’s got really strange views

Although now that is hardly news

But to forge an alliance

On the Committee of Science

This is the guy that they choose?

He’s out of his league by a lot

But they thought he should give it a shot.

He’s since become famous

As a daft ignoramus

About science he doesn’t know squat.

Fertilization Personalization

Paul Ryan and Todd Akin were among the co-sponsors of a House bill called the Sanctity of Human Life Act of 2009, which declared that

…the life of each human being begins with fertilization, cloning, or its functional equivalent, irrespective of sex, health, function or disability, defect, stage of biological development, or condition of dependency, at which time every human being shall have all the legal and constitutional attributes and privileges of personhood.

This bill would obviously make abortion, and birth control measures that block implantation of a fertilized egg, the legal equivalent of murder.

A fertilized egg is a person

A formulation that’s worse than

Repealing Roe v Wade

As part of the right-wing crusade

Because it would in the end

Certain birth control measures suspend.

So who would sponsor a bill

That most women’s rights would kill?

Why none other than Romney’s VP

And that is not all, you see,

Another guy with a big stake in

This bill was our friend, Todd Akin. 

Out, Out Damn Todd!

Republicans are hoping, and no doubt pushing hard behind the scenes, that Todd Akin will just go away quietly and quit the race for Senate in Missouri. 

Drew Sheneman, GoComics.com

Akin’s got to go

He’s defiant even so.

But the GOP has ways

Of making those who stray

Listen and obey.

He’ll be gone today

No matter what he says

Because I’m sure you know

They control the dough. 

Even Republicans Sometimes Get Embarrassed

The GOP was rocked over the weekend by two flagrant examples of bad taste.  Todd Akin made his stupefying remarks about rape and pregnancy, whereas Kansas Republican freshman Representative Kevin Yoder went skinny-dipping in the Sea of Galilee after a late-night party.   

The Republican Party’s been shaken

By mistakes various pols have been makin’

For one, there’s the screwball Todd Akin

Who said pregnancy’s not usually been taken

In girls who are victims of rapin’

As long as ‘bout that they’re not fakin’.

In this he was greatly mistaken,

And said “folks, please give me a break an’

Don’t leave me forgot and forsaken”

Kev Yoder said he was takin’

A break in a trip he was makin’

So he took a jump in the lake an’

Next day when he was awakened

His head was all fuzzy and achin’

But he remembered the rule he’d been breakin’

Since his clothing all off he had taken -

He’s embarrassed and visibly shaken. 

Romney Takin' Akin to the Woodshed

Mitt Romney today, for the first time, spoke out against rampant stupidity and revolting language within his own party. It took someone especially stupid and revolting, namely Todd Akin, Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate in Missouri, to get him to do it.  In an interview with National Review, he said "Congressman Akin's comments on rape are insulting, inexcusable and, frankly, wrong. Like millions of other Americans, we found them to be offensive."

Mitt Romney’s come out of his shell

He really gave Todd Akin hell

His words were quite strong

He said Todd was “wrong”

And “offensive”, “insulting” as well.

Akin Strikes Again...and Again, and Again, and...

Todd Akin, Republican candidate for Senate in Misssouri,  has made several outrageous statements over the last several days: he’d like to block federal funding of the school lunch program, he thinks the voting rights act should be overturned, he’d like a total ban on the “morning-after” pill,  and now he claims that the body has mechanisms to shut down pregnancy if a “legitimate rape” has occurred. 

“First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare,” Akin told KTVI-TV in an interview posted Sunday. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Akin said that even in the worst-case scenario — when the supposed natural protections against unwanted pregnancy fail — abortion should still not be a legal option for the rape victim. “Let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work, or something,” Akin said. “I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.”

I’m not making this up, folks.  The truly unbelievable aspect of this is that Akin has a substantial lead in the polls over his Democratic opponent, Senator Claire McCaskill. Akin later issued a statement saying that he had "misspoken", which is politispeak for "I was dead wrong and I'm an idiot!"

Todd Akin’s really over the top

He can’t get his mouth to stop

He gets into a scrape

When he talks about rape

Where does he come up with this slop?

He brought on this latest affair

With a statement made out of thin air

He’s started to intimate

If rape is “legitimate”

Pregnancy’d be very rare.

The good folks out in Missouri

Have a chance to be judge and jury

Don’t take a pass

Get rid of this ass

Vote him out with “legitimate” fury.

Let Them Eat Cake!

Todd Akin, the Missouri Republican Senate candidate running against the Democratic incumbent  Claire McCaskill, said that the federal government should not be paying for school lunches for hungry children.  “Why not do it at the state level?” he asked, while the answer is staring him in the face – the states don’t have the money!  

If you are hungry nearly every day

And lunch at school provides the only way

That you can ever have a decent meal -

Your school’s lunch money Akin’s going to steal.

He says the gov’ment of our great nation

Shouldn’t be involved with education

For him, the issue is a state’s rights deal -

Your school’s lunch money Akin’s going to steal

It doesn’t matter if poor kids are starving

Todd Akin doesn’t really give a farthing

‘Cause hungry kids to him have no appeal -

Your school’s lunch money Akin’s going to steal.

The Ballad and Romney and Ryan

Mitt Romney’s new sidekick, Paul Ryan’s his name,

Is just like his boss, they’re almost the same,

On most every point, they’re sure to agree

They’re campaigning hard for Pres and VP.

Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Too

To Republican talking points they will be true

            Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Dee

            They’ll hammer the Democrats, just wait and see.

Mitt goes with the weather, he’s hard to pin down,

He just wants to please whoever’s around,

But Ryan’s a rock, he knows that he’s right,

If folks disagree, he’s happy to fight.

Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Too

They travel the country for voters to woo

            Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Dine

            The two men together have only one spine.      

Now Romney’s a Mormon, and that is OK

But he won’t discuss it, there’s simply no way;

Paul Ryan’s a Catholic, a regular brand,

At least that’s a faith we can all understand.

Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Too

You Democrats better watch out for these two

Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Dike

           ‘Though their faiths may be different, it’s Jesus they like.

Mitt Romney is rich, he’s got lots of dough

What he pays in taxes, we’ll never know;

Paul Ryan’s not wealthy but he’s done OK

Let’s tax the rich less, he’s likely to say.

Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Too

            Their contributors come from the wealthiest few

Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Door

            They don’t give a damn about folks who are poor.

Mitt Romney looks sharp, he’s handsome of face

He’s just the right height and his hair’s all in place

Paul Ryan is hot and he’s also quite young

He’s just the right age to be Romney’s son.

Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Too

            They’re good-looking dudes, it’s certainly true

            Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Ded

            So why do most women like ‘Bama instead?

They both agree that the Right way’s the best

They’ll lower taxes and spending arrest,

The safety net shred and Medicare spike,

But the generals and admirals will get what they like.

Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Too

The GOP program is what they’ll push through

Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Dōne

Government spending they’ll cut to the bone.

The election is coming, they’ll hold it this fall,

With Romney and Ryan it will be a close call

Obama and Biden must win in this race

Or Romney and Ryan will be taking their place.

               

Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Too

            They’re very conservative in their world view.

Romney-O, Romney-O, Ryan-O-Dade

            If they get elected, be very afraid.

Paul Ryan - Big Spender

Despite Paul Ryan’s reputation as a deficit hawk, he voted during the Bush years for all the measures that gave rise the bulk of our current yearly budget deficits, as shown on the accompanying diagram (from Informed Comment). 

I.

Paul Ryan’s a deficit hawk

At federal spending he’ll balk

But in the Bush years

He voted with peers

For programs that put us in hock.

II.

Paul Ryan is thought to be fiscally tight

He doesn’t support any new spending frills

He brags that his votes are fiscally right

But in the Bush years there were several bills

That needed his vote for them to get passed

So like a good soldier he bent to their wills

And voted for them, like the Bushies had asked.

But now we’re bemired with terrible debt

‘Cause the costs of those bills have piled up fast

And Ryan no doubt views those votes with regret

‘Cause now he doesn’t seem fiscally bright

And our nation is under a financial threat.

Joe the Plumber on Illegal Immigration

Samuel Wurzlbacher, aka Joe the Plumber, is running for Congress in Ohio.  He was in Arizona plugging for Republican state senate candidate Lori Klein, and offered his personal solution to the illegal immigration problem: 

“I’m running for Congress. How many congressmen or people running for Congress have you heard, put a fence up and start shooting?  None?  Well you heard it here first. Put troops on the border and start shooting, I bet that solves our immigration problem real quick.”

The guy called Joe the Pumber

Came out with a plan this summer:

Put troops on the border

To shoot’d be the order.

You really can’t get much dumber.

Ryan Reservations

Republican political professionals have been publicly enthusiastic about the choice of Paul Ryan for Mitt Romney’s running mate, but privately they have serious reservations, as this post from Politico makes clear.

Paul Ryan’s our pick for VP?

What a mess this could turn out to be

Older voters will pan

Ryan’s Medicare plan

A disaster is what we foresee.

We’re trying to act really cheery

But on Ryan we’re just a bit leery

Without any doubt

He’s really far out

Election day could be dreary

Now Ryan’s a really smart guy

His ideas, though, many don’t buy

The voters he’ll scare

We don’t have a prayer

Mitt chose him but we wonder why.

Paul Ryan Acrostic

Paul Ryan’s Mitt’s choice for his ticket's VP

A handsomer dude there just couldn’t be.

Up early each day, he does exercises;

Loves P90-X:  his muscles win prizes.

Ryan’s got little or no body fat;

You’ll have to admit, he’s good to look at.

All the right-wingers think he is first rate

Needless to say, he’s a great running mate.

Joe Biden and Y'all's Chains.

Joe Biden today made reference to the Romney campaign’s desire to “unchain” Wall Street, by freeing them from various onerous regulations.  He then added “They gonna put y'all back in chains,” to the general amusement of the audience.  Republicans have fairly fainted from shock at this use of racial “code words” and have called Biden’s remark a “new low” in American politics. Pretty sensitive bunch, these Republicans, unless it’s one of their own doing the talking (think Rush Limbaugh, Ted Nugent, Allen West, Michelle Bachmann, etc.)

Joe Biden mixed “chains” with “y’all”

And it looks like he’s started a brawl

Mitt’s folks are just shocked

At the language he talked

“A new low” is their horrified call.