Newt Shoots for the Moon

Newt Gingrich on Wednesday elaborated on his plan to put an American colony on the moon.  He stated that when the colony’s population exceeded 13,000, they could petition to become the 51^st state. 

Adapted from NASA images

Moon:  Houston, we have a problem.

Houston:  What’s up, Doc?

Moon:  Some people up here are sending around petitions to become a state. They’re pretty worked up about it – some have even threatened to go on strike if the statehood thing doesn’t fly.

Houston.  Christ! It’s all due to agitation by that fat Gingrich!  Ever since he stepped down as President to be the Moon Governor, he’s been pressing for this.  All the guy cares about now is the moon colony – he wants it renamed Newtonia, for Chrissake!  Jesus, what a nut case!

Moon:   Yeah, but you’d better watch your language.  You know how President Santorum feels about that kind of talk.

Houston:   Jesus, you’re right! Oops, there I go again… Well, what are we going to do about this? If the colony becomes a state, they’ll be wanting all kinds of things.  They’ve been complaining for years that Congress controls all their affairs and that nobody gives a sh.., nobody cares about what they think.  You wait and see, they’ll want to hold a Presidential primary next.  It’s just crazy.

Moon:  Houston, you’re missing the point.  This talk about a strike is really dangerous.  You know how they screened the colonists for any hint of pro-union sympathies – the folks at WalMart really helped us out there – and yet here they are talking about a strike!

Houston:  How did this happen?

Moon:  Law of unintended consequences.  Gingrich started talking to the colonists about statehood empowering them…but once you start that kind of loose talk, and they start thinking about power…well, you know the rest.  The statehood thing’s just a Trojan horse – this talk of strikes will lead to demands to improve working conditions and then the whole place is likely to blow up!

Houston:  Well, what are we going to do about it?

Moon:  First thing is to get rid of Gingrich.  Bring him back down to earth – and I mean that literally.  As long as he’s up here, gettin’ folks riled up about statehood and stuff, he jeopardizes the whole mineral extraction business. He thinks the whole moon’s his baby but he doesn’t realize that he’s just a figurehead.  Anyway, we’ll have to get Gingrich fired.

Houston:  OK, I’ll talk to Donald Trump.   Ha, Ha…just a joke.  Seriously though, we’ll put in a conference call to the President and update him on the situation here. 

Moon:  No, No – this is too big for that.  Besides, Santorum owes Gingrich big time for stepping down and letting him become President – he’ll never cross him.   We’ll have to go over his head.

Houston:  Over the President’s head?!  You mean…..?

Moon:  Yep…We’ll have to talk to the Koch brothers!